Social Distancing For Us, For Bigfoot, And For Jesus…….

As we all deal, in some form or fashion, with COVID-19, there is one thing for certain.  History is watching the response.  These moments of “social distancing,” toilet paper stockpiling, remote working, church service cancellations circa Easter, etc. will all be encapsulated in the future textbooks (or electronic facsimiles thereof).  In short, we are living through a time period of  historical significance; whether of not we realize it, history is being written through our actions.

As for me and my family, we are just about 2 weeks into life removed from South Florida and transplanted into the mountains of rural western North Carolina, where we have hunkered down in our cabin; surrounded by the Nantahala National Forest.  The county that we are staying in has had zero local cases reported of the virus (with the exception of one guy from NY who fled to the area with the virus, tested positive, was placed in quarantine, and….apparently social distanced to the extent that he didn’t infect any of the proximal mountain folk).

We’re trying to be extra careful, because one of our kids has Crohn’s Disease and is immunosuppressed.  She has stayed put in another part of NC, with the family of her fiancé.  As much as we’d like to have her with us, we asked her to stay put until we were well beyond the two-week mark and not showing signs of potential infection.  In a way, it’s great marriage prep to be on "house arrest” with your fiancé and your future in-laws.  It probably should be required as a mandatory prerequisite for anybody contemplating marriage.  Then again, if COVID-19 hit in 1988, and the shoes were on the other foot, I’d probably be the single guy rather than the guy married 31+ years with 8 kids.

So, for now, we watch nature’s pornography from our front porch; as the male turkey pokes out his chest, extends his tailfeathers, and chases females around like Bill Cosby at a barstool.  The interesting thing about mating season for turkeys is this:  the turkey hunting season where we have a cabin runs April 11^th through May 9^th; toward the end of mating season.  During that time, only male, or bearded turkeys, can be harvested.  So, we have turkey mating season which morphs into turkey hunting season; at which point, the males are killed.  In the words of my wife, “Serves them right!”

Don’t get me wrong, the hunting guidelines do state that “male or bearded turkeys” can be harvested.  Females actually can have beards; but, that only happens in 10% - 20% of the female population That being said, there are plenty of female humans walking around with excessive facial hair too; so it’s not just a female turkey issue; however societal proportions of female facial hair may be slightly smaller in human populations (with certain geographic exceptions, of course).  This killing off of males directly after mating,  however, raises an apt point:  it may all seem like fun at the front end of the spectrum, but the process has a way of killing you in the end.  That’s a perfect segue as we continue to explore the way social distancing screws things up:

When this whole virus thing started, I think the kids were focused on the "blocking and tackling" elements of school life during a pandemic; namely, the reality that life is better when you’re not at school.  This whole distance learning thing would be a piece of cake….and think of the perks:  staying up later, sleeping in late, lots of downtime to binge watch Netflix and Hulu.  Yeah, in theory it sounded pretty good, then we arrived at the cabin.

The place where we built the cabin is really out in the “boonies.”  We don’t have a cell phone signal, so we rely on Wi-Fi calling.  And, since there are no cable carriers out in our remote area, we really have one service option for Wi-Fi.  It’s a company ironically called "Frontier;" and they offer Wi-Fi via phone landlines.  My gosh, I think that communications back on the original “frontier” were superior to what we have!  Granted, the signal is probably (almost) acceptable if one person uses it.  Still, you’d have the periodic resetting of the router several times per hour.  However, when you throw 7 people into the equation and then have all of that competition created for anemic bandwidth, things get really crazy, really quickly.  In short, it’s nuts.  So, for us to get workable Wi-Fi for Skype, Zoom, or schoolwork, we need to drive in to town and hop on Wi-Fi in the parking lot of the local library or McDonald’s.  As things stand, my kids have spent from about 8:00 AM this morning until about 3:00 (and counting) in a van in the parking lot of McDonald’s.  It’s quickly making them (and us) appreciate good, old fashioned school with classrooms and carlines for pick-up and drop-off.  All of those things that seemed to distasteful are now, once again, longed for.  Succinctly put:  turkey mating season is at its peak; and, we’re now all officially hunted males and bearded female turkeys.

Ironically, this social distancing experiment for our family is taking place in Bigfoot country.  Bigfoot, if he really does exist, is the world champion at social distancing.  According to the BFRO (Bigfoot Field Researcher’s Association), Macon County, NC (where we are, during the COVID-19 pandemic) is the county with the 4^th highest number of documented and researched Bigfoot sightings.  Macon County has 5 of the 95 BFRO documented sightings.  So, according to the reigning social distancing champ, we’re social distancing in a good spot; albeit more likely that we be spotted by a sasquatch while we social distance.

As a Catholic, I can’t help but thinking that Jesus was social distancing before it was cool.   As a point in fact, during the Lenten season, is a great time to social distance.   I can’t help but think about the 40 arduous days that Jesus spent in the desert immediately after being baptized.  What better time to social distance than in the midst of Lent!  After all, Lent is a time of self-sacrifice and reflection (when done correctly).   It was at Jesus’ baptism, hearing His Father say, “This is my Son in whom I am well pleased” when bam…..immediately He was in the desert.  That’s right, the original translation from Mark 1:12 indicates, “and immediately the Spirit drove him out into the desert.”  I like to think of this placement into the desert like a scene from a Harry Potter movie (maybe not the most apt comparison, but stick with me) wherein Jesus was in the Jordan one second and instantaneously in the desert in the next instance).  Bam! The example of social distancing during Lent was created for us by the Son of Man Himself; so it’s got to be good.

I can think of numerous biblical examples of Jesus social distancing.  Likewise, I can think of multiple biblical examples that outlined the disciples were not good at washing their hands.  Matthew 15:2 clearly points out the disciple’s lack of proactive hand washing.  This makes Jesus’ social distancing stance seem all that much more reasonable.  Think about it: Jesus social distanced away from His entire family when He was just 12 years old.  After the Feast of Pasch, Jesus decided to social distance in the temple.  Prior to walking on the water, Jesus was social distancing while his disciples were clustered together in a boat.  Jesus social distanced in the Garden of Gethsemane prior to His passion and crucifixion.  Jesus social distanced just prior to His transfiguration; and He social distanced after His resurrection.  I’m sure that I’m leaving out multiple examples; but, yep, suffice it to say, Jesus was a social distancer.  Luke 11:38 tells us that Jesus didn’t always wash His hands prior to eating either; but, I would argue He’d probably wipe down a shopping cart prior to pushing it around at Wal-Mart; if He were walking among us today.  It would only be prudent.  Long story short, Jesus social distanced to pray or to reveal something of great significance to a select few; Bigfoot social distances because he’s the world champ of hide-and-seek; and we social distance because we are forced to.

So, here we are, a couple weeks into what will become at least a 6-week exercise in social distancing.  It’s uncomfortable, it’s not natural, and it throws a lot of monkey wrenches in life; but, it serves to preserve it.  So, we continue to forge ahead…..knowing that things could always be worse.  At least we’re not bearded turkeys.  So, have a blessed Lent and social distance like Jesus did; not like Bigfoot does.  Hide-and-seek is a game.  Prayer in isolation is a game-changer.